Let the Games Begin
…poor athletes from places like Hyena Anus, Africa, if not corporately sponsored, can’t compete against those from industrialized nations who are branded with Nike swoops or Speedo wedges (or who, in the case of Chinese athletes are underwritten by The People’s money). They can’t afford the diet of their peers, nor their trainers, nor their technologically advanced suits, nor their lifestyles. The Hyena Anus athletes train by walking to the Olympic Games, where they dine on gruel and rat parts and sleep on grass mats under the fleet of vehicles that transport America’s Team to and from the games. That they are even seeded in the finals should draw the attention of reporters, and if they win a medal the story should be splashed on the front pages of newspapers, magazines and televisions around the world, because this, this is what the Olympic games are really about. Today the New York Times carries a piece by John Tierney entitled “Let the Games Be Doped”, suggesting Olympians should not be restricted from enhancing their abilities with a little genetic mutation or pharmaceutical stimulation. I’m of the mind that Mr. Tierney should be taken out back of the Times building by several doped-up weight lifters who kick the crap out of him for putting such a thing in the minds of pharmaceutical corporation executives. I recoil at the idea of genetically altered humongoid mutants pumped on the latest designer amphetamine branded by Pfizer, Merck or Bristol Myers Squibb going through the motions of competition. “Visit your physician and ask how new and improved Mercurine can enable you to win the Boston Marathon.” I’m already tired of all this nationalistic display of excess, because it no longer represents the height to which human athletes can aspire, but has become a jingoistic argument over swimsuits, doping, age, or judge’s bias. And when I think the next big news story will be a bunch of narcissistic politicians waving flags and insisting they are better qualified to run the nation further into the ground, I want to journey back eons through time and find the first monkey who looked up at the stars and willed himself to shed his tail and walk upright, and I want to crush the wretched little beggar under my heel. Maybe the next sentient race will be smart enough to learn from our mistakes, though my guess is, if they’re carbon life forms, they will not. If I could only convince myself this is just another bad acid flashback, I could probably calm down a bit and not have little green images popping in front of my eyes as my elevated blood pressure bursts tiny capillaries in my brain.
I need to get laid (or get religion). Badly.
Let the Games Begin has 1 response
tr2 says:
13 August 2008 at 2:47 pm
You are right about the doping… but as for technology — I agree with the swimmer from Zimbabwe (one of those non-industrialized countries you mention). Shaving, tapering, wearing the suit — it may help, but nothing is going to replace raw talent and years of training.
As for the media coverage, I am sure that the good folks of Hyena Anus expect that the local press will cover their athletes just as we can expect the NYT and other outlets to cover the American athletes. Nothing jingoistic about that. It’s a competition not a congeniality contest where all the countries hold hands and sing Kumbaya.
From MSNBC:
“I think sports have to keep up with technology,” said Kirsty Coventry of Zimbabwe, who set a world record Monday while wearing the Racer in a preliminary round of the women’s 100-meter backstroke. “It’s a great suit. For me, putting the suit on, mentally, it’s time to go fast.”
